Healing Hurts

by Myles Bullen

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  • Cassette + Digital Album

    lightweight and tiny for optimal display
    shiny translucent casing for bird attraction
    it's pocket size, in a funny little rectangular box
    it has cave paintings etched on the panels inside the walls
    you can also listen to it play anti-pop music
    if you have the right conversion mechanism set up
    limited to 100 tapes. *free shipping* for order within the US

    Includes unlimited streaming of Healing Hurts via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.
    ships out within 30 days
    edition of 100 

      $10 USD or more 

     

  • Streaming + Download

    Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.

    every digital purchase will receive a healing hurts sticker in the mail!
    Purchasable with gift card

      $9 USD  or more

     

  • it's a Pink Vinyl Package!
    Record/Vinyl + Digital Album

    Adventure Edition "Princess Bubblegum Pink" Vinyl package!
    Sliding scale price ( $20 - $50 )

    Includes unlimited streaming of Healing Hurts via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.

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  • Rainbow Vinyl! (super limited)
    Record/Vinyl + Digital Album

    sliding scale ( $50-$100 )
    these special records are individually handmade
    and limited to *20 orders*

    Includes unlimited streaming of Healing Hurts via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.

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1.
There's no excuse for excuses Healing hurts like you're swallowing bruises It’s true/ you didn’t choose this Healing hurts when we love who we’re losing Now you, are only illusion (you’re not real) Healing hurts, makes me feel stupid (So dumb) I was eating a sandwich when I got the phone call…... Now I can’t get what was said Out of my head, my head is heavy lead, Writing a letter to the dead, That’s all A Simple thought of you can bring me to tears Death is the disaster/ a storm that never clears A Nostalgic collage in my brain A mirage, then you’re gone, insane Moments turn to stone Photographs locked in frames Can’t imagine your face ever getting older I wondered how long you’d live if you got sober? I wonder how those drugs got a hold of you? I wonder if you ever felt love like I do feeling like I’ll never feel better Reading, breathing, grieving Finding meaning on an island screaming Asylum seeking kindness finding violence Tired dreaming of impossible meetings cuz To process a loss And collect the pieces putting me Back together will take forever Who has time for that? Really I see suicide is so high Addiction at my doorstep Knocking i ignore it Mindfully exploring, a slow moving tortoise That’s sore and distorted Aurora dwindling down Tangled in chords Making sounds it’s not proud of Abandoned building With a ceiling feeling crowded I can’t tell if I practice suffering? Is this an act of loving / or is it cactus hugging? I feel stuck in it Impatient while my heart is Slowly buffering I hurry hurry it along I’ve felt enough of it Why do thoughts Hurt so bad? Why does love work like that? It’s true/ you didn’t choose this Healing hurts like you're swallowing bruises Healing hurts when we love who we’re losing
2.
I feel selfish having all the things that I need Try to find comfort being with my friends when I grieve It’s the 5th hospital had to visit this week Feel like I’m really tired, even tho I’m really tired I still can’t sleep Sweet dreams my friend You’ll be fine in the end Takes a hand on the shoulder Make someone feel like there at home When dealing with something you could never imagine Just gotta breathe and let go Listen with your eyes wide open Let them know that you’re there Even when Everyday day sucks and everything’s fucked at least you care Walking down those long hallways Everything is so fucking sterile there Will I be more prepared, next time Will there be a next time Sweet dreams my friend You’ll be fine in the end Can’t tell if this is tearing me apart Or is it this therapy for my heart
3.
Finding the corners of this room Expanding outside of who I’ve been Taking a sledgehammer through those walls Let some sun Shine in My hands are dirty and calloused My Nails are painted and glittered Built up walls of resentment And that's where all my guilt lingers Masculine expectations I never met them I’m nervous and anxious, uncomfortable constantly Conversations with my dad, asking if I’m a fag Or just looking like this to piss him off The smile on my mom’s, Face when she finds out I liked girls When I turned 13, sexuality Tabooed and silenced Tattoos and violence Admiring innocents Desiring gentle touch to be hugged, from the people I love That hug, that could always last a little longer “Toughen up boy, be stronger!” Super silly me, never taught vulnerability Wish they told me to shoot for the stars My heroes were shooting up in the backs of cars Now I wish upon a star to be without expectation Without “be a man” ringing in my ears Man I hate this My suitcase is modern vintage, covered in band stickers Packed floral patterned dresses that grandma wore My suitcase is never ending, gender bending Packed with dads mud covered boots Conversations, wish I had more Feeling jealous and poor feeling hella support this identity war I seek peace through the things I can see through Betta fish swim in circles, I still need you, to feed me flakes of feeling fine enough to finish up my day Endless eye contact as I sway with strangers while contra dancing Promenade, balance, and swing I’m Alice when asleep I count psychedelic sheep in organic cotton sheets See me open my suitcase of sexuality That’s packed with misunderstanding Misleading mistletoes, missing out, Mr, Mrs misogyny Mistakes, misplaced, miscellaneous faith And no god to speak Finding the corners of this room Expanding outside of who I’ve been Taking a sledgehammer through those walls Let some sun Shine in
4.
5.
Remember Rainbows Beautiful, Graceful Anything to take my mind away, Anything to take my mind away Strawberries, wood stoves, lilacs, dirt roads Worse feeling I’ve ever had Your death was unacceptable like Lemongrab Remember when we got into that yelling match? Kicked me out the house for smoking pot, you were hella mad! The beat left your heart My lungs lost their breath Life's been different since your death So stressed I feel numb nothingness You’ll never feel the Buttery sun Taste the ocean air on your tongue Smell rosemary savory Or hear the sounds of your favorite songs I miss you daily, I feel I failed you as a friend Just know you changed me The sad inside will never end This spoken word isn’t justice, It just is, All I can do today Paint rainbows on the gray clouds Find a reason I should stay… alive Miss your laughter and predictable jokes Miss the awkward silence on the phone Now your gone I feel lost and alone Magenta sunsetting sitting quiet on a bench Remember scents Garlic, cinnamon, lavender, vinegar Cigarettes and sweat You remind of the garden Peppers, zucchinis, tomatoes, and parsnips Proud phone calls about your harvest You worked the hardest House building artist You remind me of birthdays, bridges and bad advice And baseball games I never cared about until now You had too much pride to ever tell me your proud Of me Miss your laughter and predictable jokes Miss the awkward silence on the phone Now your gone I feel lost and alone Now your jokes seem funnier Comic books, gummy worms Arcades, summers were Spent together at the beach You would drink at the bar I would skate across the street Now your jokes seem funnier Comic books, gummy worms Arcades, summers were Spent together at the beach You would drink at the bar I would skate across the street Miss your laughter and predictable jokes Miss the awkward silence on the phone Now your gone I feel lost and alone
6.
I'm afraid of things going well I hope i don't fuck this up we might be in love And that's what i'm afraid of Im afraid of things going well Everythings feels soooo great I'm not used to this, Here's an awkward way to say thanks (Emma Ivy) I thank you not enough I thank you not enough I thank you not enough I thank you not enough make me high like the feeling hi my name is Emma and I'm terrified of feeling feels like love and separation is form of preservation and I'm here to stay symphonic energy, mystery feels like love and separation is form of preservation I thank you for it I'm afraid of things going well I hope i don't fuck this up we might be in love And that's what i'm afraid of Im afraid of things going well Everythings feels soooo great I'm not used to this, Here's an awkward way to say thanks You get me high like a greeting Hi my name is myles i'm terrified of feelings With you, It's so easy Like a sunny summer beach day Get to know each other on a first date Who are you? Where you from ? What's your thing? We held hands till our hearts raced away Laugh about anything, people watch Good intentions no evil thoughts Take a walk into the forest looking forward to get lost Inside each other and discover what each other thought admire her laughter, theatrical attributes she's not after cute, she is absolutely sweet tender juicy Grounded and a mystic, astounding visions Opposing zodiac signs and netflix binges We both have trapped trauma Relationship armor that's the thickest Oil up those rusty stuck hinges Till the door wide open to a hopeful new beginning You get me high like a greeting Hi my name is myles i'm terrified of feelings I'm afraid of things going well I hope i don't fuck this up we might be in love And that's what i'm afraid of Im afraid of things going well Everythings feels soooo great I'm not used to this, Here's an awkward way to say thanks
7.

about

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This is a sacred time stamp/ spiraling spiritual sadness
This is echoing regret/ saying things you wish you could have
This is process/ pain/ and playful/
This is uncertainty/ difficult/ and graceful/

To quote the great Winnie the Pooh,
“ How luck am I to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard”

Grieving the death of my grandfather/
my father/ and losing the ability to do my main job and therapeutic practice (travel and do shows)
I was forced to meditate on my situation/ my intentions/ my identity / and how to speak the indescribable/
channel this year's experiences into something digestible/

I’m not sure if this is the greatest music I’ve ever made/ It is more important that/ it is the only thing I could have done to survive/

The outpouring support has kept me grounded & grateful/

Exquisite musical collaborations on Healing Hurts include:

Wussuppaul, Peter Herman, Emily Bodley,
Sam Spadafore, Emma Ivy, Summer McCall
Partially recorded by John Zebley
Album Art by Abbeth Russell
Photo sets by Sarah Violette

Thanks for being real with me,
Love from the cosmic abyss,
Myles

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"This album is an unsettling beauty,
an attempt to demystify grieving
with uncomfortable honesty."

"Myles touches on losing loved ones to overdose, and suicide, as well as falling in love and hoping he doesn't screw it up. An emotional integration,
outward confessional therapy, and barebone songs that serve as a powerful meditation on grief and mental health.
It’s deep, emotional, but also playful and filled with hope.
It serves as sensitive and honest in a time of global grieving."

“ this album can be summed up as, Life is like licking honey from a thorn”

“ It’s sad, but that’s why I like it”

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ALBUM REVIEW:

Written by Chi Chi Thalken of Scratched Vinyl on December 18, 2020

" Myles Bullen is an artist from Portland, Maine, who has been releasing music for the past decade. Before the pandemic hit, back in February, he released an EP with fellow Portland artist Sarah Violette under the name Planetary Access. Now he’s back with a very personal project, Healing Hurts.

If you’re not familiar with Bullen, his style might throw you for a loop at first, in the way that he’s combining indie rock, folk, hip hop, and neo-soul into its own thing. Once you get into a little bit, you’ll start to see how it’s all coming together to make sense. There are times across the EP where you can see where his music is in conversation with artists like Ceschi, Kimya Dawson, and Kristoff Krane, but most of the time he just sounds like himself. And who is Myles Bullen? Well, on this EP he’s a guy who is desperately trying to get over some specific trauma, losing one person in his life to suicide and another to an overdose, but he’s also just unpacking all the ways in which he’s felt like he didn’t fit in or live up to expectations or deserve to be loved or liked. This might sound like a lot, and it is, but it never becomes overwhelming because Bullen isn’t wallowing in his own misery or looking for pity, he’s just trying to take these steps forwards in his life and using his music to confront these demons and hopefully push himself to take one more step forward. It also helps that Bullen is able to go between singing and rapping much in the same way Ceschi does, opening up to a vulnerable place as he sings, but then drumming up all of his confidence to push forward as he raps. For all of the trauma that is faced on this EP, there is also room for sweetness, such as “Afraid of Love,” with Emma Ivy, where they trade verses about the combination of thrill and terror that comes with taking a chance on love. We also get the rare rap cover when Bullen takes on Eyedea’s “Smile,” which was on his 2009 album, By the Throat. It speaks well to how Bullen reimagined the song and made it his own that I didn’t realize what I was listening to until I went back to the liner notes.

Healing Hurts is a cathartic listen that I think a lot of people could use at the end of 2020. We’ve been through a lot, and it always helps to have some art to help you process those feelings. Myles Bullen has given us something special by giving us a lot of himself with this one."

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Album review by RazorTongue

If you take the head bending lyrical acrobatics of Milo or Aesop Rock and mix them with slightly off-kilter, strained, emotional delivery of Hobo Johnson you have Myles Bullen. The Portland, ME Rapper/Art Poet closed 2020 by releasing his third and most vulnerable album to date. On Healing Hurts, Bullen wears their addiction, recovery, depression, sexuality, and trauma on their sleeve. This collection of seven songs gives the listener the feeling that they’re reading entries from Bullen’s Diary. The album artwork, a painting by Abbeth Russell, is layered, surreal, and gets more depressing the longer you take it in.

The album opens with the project’s bounciest song, “Swallowing Bruises.” The song opens with some strummed ukulele chords, and voices saying things one might expect to hear at their first therapy session, “I’m so glad you’re finally opening up,” and “We’re really glad that you’re here,” etc. Once the beat comes in, Bullen delivers a flow that alternates between being softly melodic to moments with more aggression. This effectively conveys the rollercoaster of emotional ups and downs.

“Suitcase of Sexuality” is the sort of song I think only an artist like Myles Bullen could have created. It’s no secret that mainstream hip-hop has some pretty deep-rooted homophobia issues. We’re starting to see this tide change with openly gay artists such as Kevin Abstract and Lil Nas X. But even these artists don’t discuss sexuality with the same depth that Bullen does on this track. Furthermore, with “Suitcase of Sexuality,” Myles is able to put his undeniable ability to go after a beat on full display.

The beat in “Miss You Daily” is comprised of some bare ukulele chords, a simple baseline, and beatboxing rather than a drum sample. The second half of the track marks a turn into a more experimental sonic pallet. This section features a spoken-word monologue, from what sounds like a therapy session. In this monologue, Bullen breaks the songs fourth wall saying:

“My friend Berry told me he once wrote a piece that he never wanted to end because he never wanted the person he wrote that piece about to ever end. And I feel that now, I don’t ever want this song to stop. Because that might mean I get closure somewhat. The thing about when someone you love dies is that you never get closure, it never ends until, until you do. So I guess that’s the scariest part, is having to live with loss. And then that way, you can never be gone.”

The track’s roughness around the edges compounds the emotion of rawness and vulnerability that lyrics had provided. Although the lo-fi charm of the track sometimes ends up being more distracting than endearing, the song is still a very heartfelt goodbye to a dear friend.

The album closes with what seems to be a voice memo of Bullen playing the ukulele and serves as a reprise of the album’s opening song.
Everyone had to deal with a very trying year, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and existentially. Hearing Bullen work through the turmoil that 2020 has brought upon us all along with his own personal hardships is sure to remind the listener that we are not alone.
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Album review by TealCheese

MYLES BULLEN EXPLORES LIFE, LOSS, AND LOVE ON NEW ALBUM, HEALING HURTS

By NICK TEAL / December 21, 2020

We got to know Myles Bullen earlier this year when he released his Mother’s Day anthem “I Love You, Mom”. He showed us that hip-hop and emotions don’t have to be mutually exclusive.
Even when I had only heard that track, I was excited to hear a whole project from Bullen. After putting out another single, he dropped his LP, Healing Hurts in November.
This is an album that is a must listen. I’m glad I waited to put out my Best of 2020 list because this album definitely deserves a spot.

“Swallowing Bruises” tricks you into thinking it will be a typical rap song with the Soulja Boy-esque “YOOU!!” at the beginning. The vocal cadence/flow on verses reminds me of the indie hip-hop group Why?
This is probably my favorite track on this album and has the most replay value for me. The lyrics and plays on words are clever without being too goofy. Bullen switches up his flow consistently and it serves as a real resume within a song.

“Sweetdreams” is a ballad type song. This is one of the singles that Bullen released earlier this year. This song deals with some super heavy topics such as self harm and doubt. This is clearly one of those artists who’s overflowing with empathy. Myles’ genuine nature shines through on tracks like this. The background instrumental reminds me of Arcade Fire or Architecture in Helsinki.
Guest vocals by Emily Bodley fit perfectly and are equal parts haunting and soothing.

“Suitcase of Sexuality” explores the idea of finding our personal sexual identity and dealing with the expectations of others, including our parents.
At this point in the album, this began to feel like Bullen’s personal diary, similar to listening to Mac Miller. There’s a level of frustration here that is calmly communicated and deeply relatable.

“Smile” is a stripped down acoustic hip-hop number. Smiling through personal adversity and bringing light to social injustices in our country are the main themes.
“I can only build if I tear the walls down” is the line that sums up this song best.

“Miss You Daily” is a bit of a heartbreaking track. As someone who has lost people close to me, this is a perfectly eloquent tribute to those who have passed on too soon. This is the longest song on the LP, clocking in at almost 7 minutes. There’s a spoken word interlude that is extremely personal and adds another layer to the emotional onion that is Healing Hurts.

“Afraid of Love” includes the second vocal feature on this album, this time by Emma Ivy.
To me, this is the closest thing to a pop song on this record. This song will force you to calm down and as someone who has anxiety, that’s always appreciated.
Emma Ivy’s verse is unexpected and refreshing. To be honest, this made me look up her Spotify catalog as well.

“Shiny Rock (freestyle)” is the closer on this release and it’s very fitting.
Recorded in more of a demo style, this song really showcases Bullen’s DIY ability. I could totally see him being commissioned to do an indie movie soundtrack at some point. This particular track gave me male Kimya Dawson vibes.

Overall, Healing Hurts is a super genuine and emotional ride. There’s something here that everyone can relate to. None of the songs are overdone or haphazard. Everything has a place and it seems very purposeful.
The album isn’t too long so it’s easy to just leave on repeat.
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credits

released December 1, 2020

Cover Art by Abbeth Russell
abbeth.com

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Myles Bullen Portland, Maine

Portland, ME.
Soft Rap / Art Poet Native American/ Person in Recovery

"Hi, my name is Myles and I'm terrified of feelings"

want to say hi?
message me on instagram! @beatboxpoet

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